spiritual rumblings and questions, along with some outer plans and ideas that had been ruminating in my mind.- We have a team from a church in Pennsylvania whom we love dearly that will be here with us in Guatemala at the conclusion of my 40 days. Wanting them to experience God in new and tangible ways was certainly on my mind.
- I have also been contemplating my role as a Pastor to missionaries. It is such a unique and profound opportunity for me. There are also many obstacles that those "in the field" face that try to keep us from having authentic community. I want to have such a positive and life-affirming position in the lives of the warriors here, and I know God must be the One to bless that endeavor.
- I also just finished a book, Walking With God, by John Eldridge that has had an immediate impact on me. I can't say that I have wrestled with a book more than I did with this one. I have been challenged to have a more personal relationship with God, where we walk and talk together. Where I can hear Him in the cool of the day, or in the deepest caverns of the night. I wasn't raised to approach Him like this. I didn't attend churches that challenged me to live like this. So I want to begin journeying down that road, and see where it takes me.
- I want to battle "The Self." I hate what I see inside of me. I despise the restlessness, the need for affirmation, the desire to be valued. I find inside of me an endless pit that can't be filled by anyone, or anything in my life. It's hunger cannot be satiated. It's thirst for meaning cannot be quenched.
And when I look around me, I see no evidence of this struggle within these poor and forgotten people. They have their own issues and struggles, and it would be wrong of me to romanticize their character in a way that doesn't allow for their own sinful human natures. But they, stripped down to the core, are not concerned with these issues of value and relevance.
They need food....need clothes....a place to sleep. And that's really about it. They will be content with that.
I have so much more than that, and yet I can obsess about not having a retirement account, 
money to repair a vehicle, to buy items for a new baby, etc. In short, I have been spoiled by the American Experiment. I have, somewhere in my life, made an agreement with Satan that I deserve much more than the simple necessities of life.
I'm hoping this 40 day fast can be a resource to break that agreement. And a time to apologize to God for being so full of myself that I have rendered myself powerless to reach out to Him in true submission and gratitude...for whatever may come...and for whatever I have.
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2 comments:
Although I have only done shorter fasts myself, I have had a number of people close to me and people I was working with in ministries that have done and/or regularly do 40-day fasts. Going through it, they often expressed frustration as all the roadblocks to God and "yucky" stuff in their lives came to the surface. It was generally after the fast that the results really surfaced and were always more than worth the sacrifice. I speak God's protection over you and your family physically and spiritually as you continue to stretch and be changed through fasting.
Don, my brother in Christ, I commend you for doing something as fasting for 40 days. As I was reading this posting, I asked myself at least twice, "Did I write this blog about inner spiritual rumblings and the questions I have about the people we serve here in San Jose?" I too am going thru some type of funk and this cannot be coincidence that just the other day Brooke asked me about doing some type of fast together where we commit not to eat for an extended period of time. As I contemplate even thinking about doing something such as not eating for 40 days, I almost crumble at the lie from the enemy softly speaking to me saying, why do that Matt, you don't need to do such a thing, things are fine the way they are, besides you can't go without eating for that long because you like to eat, you need to eat, you don't need that time focusing on God, keep your focus on me, your flesh and I'll take care of you." And how many times have I fallen into that very trap of listening to that lie, anything to keep my focus away from the King, the Resurrection, the Vine, the Messiah, the Teacher, the Lamb, the Christ. I have been praying for God to show me what I need to do, to show me how I can get back right with Him, I am tired of failing Him day after day after day with what I call 'silliness or lazyness'. Thank-you Don for giving me the inspiration that I have been looking for. I should have known that it would come from you, my fellow co-worker from way back when.... You bet that I will be praying for strength and more importantly the ability to listen and comprehend what God is trying to tell you, what He wants you to learn from this experience. God Bless you and Heather and your beautiful children!! Matt- your brother in Christ serving in Costa Rica
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