I am in a fog right now. I have been more grouchy...not less. I have been a less thoughtful Dad...not more so. I have been less active, and more tired. And, to top it off, I have felt less close to God.
I haven't written for awhile because I wanted my next post to be positive. I really, really wanted that. But since my last entry 10 days ago we have had to go through some hard things. We had to take Aidan into an emergency room in Guatemala City. He just wasn't breathing correctly, and we were all scared. Heather somehow kept calm, but Aidan and I were crying. (He's getting better now, by the way)
I currently have Strep, and have been so weakened and discouraged by the whole thing, I have almost eaten several times. When I feel this way, I drink a glass of chocolate milk. Needless, to say, this routine is getting old.
We picked up our vehicle in the city and plopped down another 6,500Q for a used differential (whatever that is) and a few other, minor repairs. We don't have the money for these things.
I have made my kids cry a few times because I lose patience with them more easily. They have been misbehaving more frequently, but I think it's just an indication that they are tired of not having their Dad eat and play with them. So I punish them. Nice one Dad.
Did I mention that I am tired of chocolate milk?
The kids have JUST moved out of our room where they had been sleeping for two weeks right next to our bed because we didn't have a front door. That's right...no front door... in Guatemala! Well, we finally have one up, but we had been more stressed than we realized all sleeping together with a pocketknife next to my bed. What did I think I would have done?
We have also been busy in ministry. I have been preaching, and visiting missionaries. Heather has been leading and teaching.
I guess I thought I would reflect God's glory in a more tangible way through this. But I'm afraid that I have been showing more of my sin nature through this 40 day fast than before.
But I get it.
As I go through this, the things that are hidden underneath are surfacing to fight. Because when I am tired and weak, I have less energy to fight them. Less energy to look Christian. Less energy to seem kind and generous.
So this is good. I see what's up now. My sin nature is coming out and waving it's big ugly hand to the world.
But I am encouraged and steady. I will not short-circuit the transformation through my premature discouragement. This is a 40 day fast...not a 21 day fast. I will keep my word.
But I'm still tired of chocolate milk.
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5 comments:
Good work, keep it up!
I will never look at chocolate milk the same way ever again. C'mon, Don! You're more than halfway there! Praying for added strength for you....
--Robin
I do not mean to minimize your experience at all, especially since I've never felt called to fast. What you described sounds a lot like my experiences during pregnancy. Tiredness and hunger do reveal our true selves... Great job being honest!
Hey Uncle Don,
Hang in there, I know you can do it. Just think of it as one day at a time. As for the twins they probably won't remember in a few years that Daddy was cranky for awhile.
Everyone has bad days, you just have to remind yourself of all the thing you have to be thankful for anytime you are feeling negative. For example, a very large loving family, a savior that looks after you and your family, a loving wife and a little one on the way.
If that doesn't work, pray anytime you start to feel angry or short tempered. It is just one day at a time. At the end of this, you will be amazed at how quickly it went by and all the things about yourself you have learned, not to mention the ways you will change as a person and family. Hang in there Uncle Don. You all are always in our prayers.
Love ya all
Erin
Seeing your heart through your word and experience makes me, strangely, jealous. Maybe it's your authenticity and honesty. But surely it's also your writing. You are gifted, Don. Thank you for sharing with us.
Greg
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