comes like a thief in the night

I have been waiting to post. Waiting to clear my heart and mind and only write of things that I would still be proud of under the glare of light 5 years from now.

Last Saturday, June 13 was one of the hardest days we have been through on the mission field.

First of all, our friends left us. Oh, they will say that they were only going back home to be with their families. That they were going back after blessing us with a visit from our home church. And I must admit, they were awesome. The one week with them was the warmest and sweetest in our time here in Guatemala. They loved us, hugged us, held us and laughed with us. They displayed love, not only for us, but for our children and for the people we are here to love. But...they left us. They still left us.

And as they were flying back to the States and relying on one another for comfort and memories, we backpeddled ever so slowly into our emotional caves. Crying. Holding one another. And girding ourselves for the weeks and months ahead.

But they also blessed us financially. They had brought with them about $8,000 to present to us as a gift of support. We didn't even know how to respond. We literally live off the support of friends and family. Without funds from our supporters, we can't pay rent, we can't eat, we can't drive, we could not afford to have a baby, and we certainly could not be here on the field ministering to these people. this was HUGE for us.

But on this very same Saturday, when we were saying goodbye to the team from our church, someone...a friend...was in our house stealing all our money. Yes, all $8,000 disappeared.

It was a double-whammy that was almost too much to hold up under. Our friends left us, and their gift left us as well...on the same day.

For the first 3 days we questioned every Guatemalan we could think of. Our close friend Victor was working outside our house at the time. We drilled him. We have another worker named Marta who knew where the money would have been located. We practically told her she was ging to jail. We have restaurant workers who probably saw the money the team held. We haven't looked at them the same since.

You make friends with a thief when you see
one... Psalm 50:18

Could one of our Guatemalan friends betray us like this? The people who know us well enough to know where we are, and when we come and go, and where to find the money?

They have a saying here in Guatemala:

The one who steals sins less than the one who
is the victim.

I didn't get it at first, but now I do. Heather and I have been sinning greatly since this happened. We have become a little bitter. We have lost our sense of trust. We have accused friends of stealing from us. And why? Well, because they are Guatemalan. They need the money. $8,000 is 3 years salary for a Mayan. What is friendship compared to that? So for 3 or 4 days we went around thinking, "Maybe it was that guy....no, maybe that guy...he looks shady."

But who am I to make a judgement like that?

I don't know anything. I know nothing. There was $5,000 stolen from a missionary last year and it most likely was the handywork of a member of a short-term mission team...from the States. Could someone from the team have done it? It could have been a fellow missionary. (We all need money). The truth is that it could have been anyone. We don't know. What we do know is that it wasn't a "smash and grab."

This was done by someone we call friend. Someone who knew we had money, and knew where to look.

And, you know what. I don't even care anymore.

I'm done sinning over this. I renounce the money. I refuse to shed another tear over something as fleeting as money. I repent of the way we have acted over this.

I believe in a God who is All-Powerful. And this is what that means for me. Everything that happens He either causes, or He allows. There is no way around it. I, however, am human.

Something bad could happen to Aidan or Ali because I am asleep. Or talking to a friend at the pool. Or not paying attention while walking or driving. Or because I am not always with them. But not God. Not my God.

He is always aware. If something happens to me and my family, He either caused it, or, like Job, He gives permission to Satan to cause us discomfort.

If I direct my anger towards Satan, that means that I don't understand the God that I worship. He is in control.

If I direct my anger towards humans, I don't understand the God I worship. I'm actually glad I don't know who took the money, because that would divert my eyes from God.

He is the place I should be directing my anger.

In the grand schemes of eternity, in the othersphere where I cannot even begin to comprehend who He is and what He is doing, I DO know this...

God is always in control. Going to anybody else's little desk to file a complaint is a complete waste of time.

So, do I understand God? No. Am I a little mad at Him? Yep. Do I still wish we had the money? Uh Huh. But do I still trust him with all my heart? You bet! Do I admit that I know nothing, and He knows everything? Yes. Do I think this was a test? Yes, I do.

So, I'm hoping we passed. Not with flying colors....but passed all the same. Maybe like a C+ or something.

“Sell your
possessions and give to those in
need. This will store up treasure for you
in heaven! And the purses of heaven
never get old or develop holes. Your
treasure will be safe; no thief can steal
it and no moth can destroy it.
Wherever your treasure is, there the
desires of your heart will also be."
Luke 12:33,34

we have been loved

We truly have been loved.

Some of you may be asking, "What do you mean?" Well, what it looks like is a group of people (22 very diverse people) flying several hundred miles to come and visit our family. It looks like people hugging us and laughing with us, walking alongside us on the mountains where we live. It looks like a group of people who worked themselves to literal exhaustion completing 3 homes with stoves, and conducting 4 medical clinics for thankful Mayans. It looks like people (some whom we barely knew) holding our children, and playing with them as if they were their own children. It looks like people praying with us, and for us, and for our ministry here. It looks like people bringing gifts to surprise my lovely wife with a baby shower. And these same people, two days later held a birthday party for my twins so they could turn five surrounded by people they loved and trusted.

This is what being loved looks like.

They sat with us, ate with us, worked with us, even cried with us. They held our hands, walked with us up many steps, and up many mountains. They laughed and made us laugh as well. They helped confirm in us that what we do and who we are becoming is worthwhile. And they brought monetary gifts from the States...from people who love us and pray for us there but who couldn't come. They were only a representation of a larger group who love us as well.

And they were also a representation of what God was trying to tell us...that HE loves us.

This is what being loved looks like. I can't even share what being loved like this feels like. There are no words. We still are in recovery and denial that the moment is gone.

Did it really happen? Was it really that magical? Were they really holding my children? Did my wife really experience the support of so many people? Did they really confirm my gifting?

It was so amazing it almost feels like a beautiful dream... the kind that when you awake, you try to close your eyes and go back to the same moment in the dream.

But. Can't.

I can only hope they feel the same way. I can only hope that they felt our hearts as well.

But I do know that we have been forever changed...because we have been truly loved.

day 37!

I reluctantly post here near the end of my 40 day fast. I guess that I'm a bit sad that it will be ending. I'll explain why later.

But I wanted to share some of my few personal discoveries through this process.

1. I have relied too little on the actual power of the Holy Spirit in my daily routine. I found it almost impossible after a few weeks into the fast to really be myself around people. I was getting pretty ugly. Impatient with the kids. Verbally unloving to my wife. Bored with my ministry. Angry about living in Guatemala. And I finally realized how much my true sin nature (which is always present) was moving to the forefront of my personality. Once this was recognized and acknowledged, and prayers were sent above, I found myself in a better place than I had ever been. Needless to say, I am in a great emotional place right now and my family is more clearly reflecting God's glory thanks to the Holy Spirit doing what I could not do. Now I know the difference between me being kind because I am a people pleaser (sin nature), and me being kind in the Holy Spirit. I now know the difference between me being patient because I am too tired to change a situation (sin nature), and me being patient in the Holy Spirit.


2. God doesn't just want me to be saved. He doesn't just want to give me good gifts and to love me. He doesn't just want me to be secure in my salvation. He wants me to partner with Him. He wants me to be about His glory. He wants me to be sold out in partnering with Him to reveal to the world a God who is a Radical Lover. This isn't about Bible study and church attendance. This is about a covenant (The Covenant) where He asks me to be Holy (and I fail), so He takes my place as the punishment for my failing (the cross)...and then out of pure joy and gratitude for that grace, I decide to be about Him with my life. No strings attached. A living sacrifice. This doesn't mean I am doing it, or that it's easy. But that it's what He wants. Because there is no Plan B. Because Jesus is gone, and He's not coming back until the game is over.


3. Being risky for the right reasons equals faith. I kept getting to these passages in scripture that I just can't ignore anymore. I know we call Hebrews 11 the Hall of Faith, but it should be called the Chapter of Great Risk. Think about all the people mentioned. Noah built a boat when it had never rained before. That's risky. Moses agreed to be the spokesman for God with a speech impediment. That's risky. Nehemiah went before a king who could have killed him and asked him to change his foreign policy stance in one discussion, and, oh yeah, Nehemiah needed a 12 year vacation and the king's resources as well. That's stupid...uh, I mean, risky! Gideon took 300 men into battle against 32,000. Riiiiisssssky.(I said that in a high voice, by the way) Rahab risked her life for men she didn't even know. Joseph risked believing in God even though everything kept falling apart in his life. The apostles risked (and did give) their lives to preach the Gospel. The early church sold ALL their possessions and gave to everyone as they had need. They didn't care about retirement plans. They were passing down a legacy. These people were crazy risky. And then Hebrews mentions that it is impossible to please God without faith (being risky for the right reasons). Yes, He said IMPOSSIBLE. Wow! So when did faith become this passive feeling that more closely resembles hope? When did that happen? "Things will work out (I'll get the job, into college, the girl, whatever) if I only have faith." "It might not be cancer...I just need to have faith." Does that mean if you don't get the job, or you do get cancer that you didn't have faith? That's just hoping for something. Faith is Abraham walking up a mountain with the most important thing in his world...his dear, beautiful son, and being willing to kill him for God. Sit with that. That's faith. And that's risk.

What God has been teaching me more than anything is that He can't do anything with an empty altar. There is nothing to consume. Nothing for Him to burn and use for His glory.

What He wants on the altar is...me.

Not my wife. Not my children. Not the guy next door who plays his music too loud. Not the friend who is difficult to get along with. Not the pastor who should preach better. Not the the parent who has different boundaries for their children. Not the boss who is hard to work for. Not the guy who cut me off in traffic. If there is conflict in my life, it is because of me. It's always me.

God wants me. ME.

When I know that...and when I understand His GREAT grace for me. I have no energy left to worry about anyone else. This is my journey. It's always personal. And it always requires of me more than my sin nature wants to give.

But, my God, that is a battle worth fighting.